[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
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Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Interior design 👌
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.