[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
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Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*