leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
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[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)