[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
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I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer