my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
You Might Also Like
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Axl: Where do we go now?
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
FINISH HIM I yell to the ninth taco, while unbuttoning my pants to make room.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing.