@Chelsea_Elle

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

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@MrMichaelRose

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

@winosaurusmom

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

@YourMomsucksTho

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

@iAmDelFreaky

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

@roxiqt

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

@Gupton68

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

@VisionBored1

FINISH HIM I yell to the ninth taco, while unbuttoning my pants to make room.

@amishschool

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

@Freudianscript

People who try to test my patience don’t realize it’s an exam I don’t plan on passing.