*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
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This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
bears
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
My work here is don’t.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
oh shit
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?