Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
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[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*