@skittle624

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

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@conanobrienswyf

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

@Lance_Said_This

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

@vanluvz1

Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.

@JustBeingEmma

Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday

@Scorpio1080

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

@Mr_Kapowski

Usually when I try to be slick and say “keep the change,” the money I’ve handed over doesn’t cover what I’m trying to purchase

@parker287

My friend’s crazy, he left a bunch of chocolate balls on the floor in his cat’s litter box, they’re not that good.

@tastefactory

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

@Matt_The_1st

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

@dadopotamus

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.