Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

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Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.


What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.


Bring in 2015 the same way you came into this world. Naked and screaming.


Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.


Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have


Usually when I try to be slick and say “keep the change,” the money I’ve handed over doesn’t cover what I’m trying to purchase


My friend’s crazy, he left a bunch of chocolate balls on the floor in his cat’s litter box, they’re not that good.


*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.


“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife


My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.