[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
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I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Worth remembering.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people