What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
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Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
did u fall from heaven bc so did satan
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Today I saw “Jesus doesn’t care about your grades” written on the sidewalk in chalk and all I could think was “Thank god, he’d be pissed”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…