[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
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I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?