@FrazzleMyGimp

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

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@paminski

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

@iwearaonesie

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

@Cheeseboy22

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

@Barknado69

Today I saw “Jesus doesn’t care about your grades” written on the sidewalk in chalk and all I could think was “Thank god, he’d be pissed”

@Carbosly

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

@KarenGiannina6

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

@steph_mcca

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

@BraandoCommando

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

@CatsVsHumanity

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…