Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
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My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
The fall of Netflix
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Weighing up my bread heating options
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.