Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
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WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Um … Hot Wings please
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father