Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
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If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
This guy at the grocery store told me he had an extra container of Clorox wipes in his car, I almost fell for it.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Spider-Man: hold it right there, Chameleon
Chameleon: how’d you know it was me
Spider-Man: you’re disguised as Peter Parker
Spider-Man: *starts sweating*