[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
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Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I bet
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going