@Jenny4ashley

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

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@Elizasoul80

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

@LanieLalaBugs

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

@NateMorrising

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

@Sir_Strange

Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

@LindaSuePark

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

@Fab_Mommy_

This guy at the grocery store told me he had an extra container of Clorox wipes in his car, I almost fell for it.
Psychopath.

@Lisabug74

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

@_ElvishPresley_

Spider-Man: hold it right there, Chameleon

Chameleon: how’d you know it was me

Spider-Man: you’re disguised as Peter Parker

Chameleon: so

Spider-Man: *starts sweating*