@Jenny4ashley

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

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@gigglegirlnoel

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

@_laurabee_

woman next to me on the bus just asked me to read her text to her as she’s forgotten her glasses.

‘dog has shit entire length of kitchen.’

@thenatewolf

ME: the internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming.

GRANDSON: hush grandpa take your pills

@DadBeard

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

@lurve_meh

It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”

@squirrel74wkgn

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*

@robin_991

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

@underchilde

A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.