*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
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[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
sin harder.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.