@iwearaonesie

[leaving the restaurant]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign

You Might Also Like

@Cycloptomese

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

@Matt_the_1st

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

@flglmn

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

@TheHyyyype

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

@Eightinchgoat

Everything I know about picking up women, I learned from Pepé Le Pew.

@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

@BoogTweets

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

@AJslackie

I did it again, I put way too much hairspray on my back hair, now I can’t sleep.

@rebrafsim

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good