Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
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Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.