Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
[leaving the restaurant]
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
You Might Also Like
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Everything I know about picking up women, I learned from Pepé Le Pew.
me *stops crying*
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I did it again, I put way too much hairspray on my back hair, now I can’t sleep.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good