@QwertyJones3

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

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@SeanEmeny

My reaction to Kit Kat prices: $1 good deal. $1.25 ok. $1.50 whoa. $1.75 what are we at the OPERA?!

@3sunzzz

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

@Robert_Beau

When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?

@GerryDuggan

Stay through the end of Hansel & Gretel to see Nick Fury kick Jeremy Renner out of The Avengers.

@LostFelicia

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

@TheToxicWaster

I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it’s very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..

@10InchesPlus

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

@DinosaurBoogers

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

@TheReal_AndyMac

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

@smerobin

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.