@thedailymarker: When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs...& because I'm gay..& we always take it up a notch.

@buhsbaby_baby: Liquor Store Cashier: Wow! Big party this weekend? Me: No.

@SeinfeldToday: George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both."

@OrangeFact: ME AT HOME: I'll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive

@wickedimproper: Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?