@QwertyJones3

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

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@MaraWilson

Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”

@PUNjipati

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ?

:-for the notifications to go away?

@o__0Dev

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

@skittle624

It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.

@ibid78

[my hot coworker Brenda & I at gates of Hell]
BRENDA: we finally closed the gate, what should we seal it with?
ME: a kiss?
B: don’t do that

@pseudo_fred

I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes.

@MelvinofYork

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

@CrockettForReal

Someone: he doesn’t look so good.

Someone else: we have to say the magic words!

Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…

Me: *slowly rises from the dead*

@envydatropic

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

@iamspacegirl

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit