My reaction to Kit Kat prices: $1 good deal. $1.25 ok. $1.50 whoa. $1.75 what are we at the OPERA?!
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
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Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Stay through the end of Hansel & Gretel to see Nick Fury kick Jeremy Renner out of The Avengers.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it’s very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.