[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
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Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those