HR: Do you know why I called you in here today?
Me: I have a boyfriend
HR: Ok, sorry to bother you
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100
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I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
RED BULL: gives you wings
WELL READ BULL: teaches you dynamics of flight
“Everyday I’m shoveling” – Canadians Theme Song.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to eat your sandwiches.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”