[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100

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*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?


At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.


When my roommate won’t wash the dishes I always leave a note’hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep’


If someone upsets you, write a nasty letter and file it away before you say something you might regret.

Then punch the person in the face.


911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.


If we had gender equality we’d ALL give birth through our ass. And no more Men from Mars & Women from Venus, everyone would be from Uranus.


Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*


Showed my husband all the super-awesome Twitter lists I’m on. He put me on a list called People I Probably Shouldn’t Have Married.


THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*