@iwearaonesie

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

You Might Also Like

@1slowery1

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

@ValeeGrrl

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

@zachreinert03

When my roommate won’t wash the dishes I always leave a note’hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep’

@TheDailySchmuck

If someone upsets you, write a nasty letter and file it away before you say something you might regret.

Then punch the person in the face.

@mrsmith196645

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

@dietredbull

If we had gender equality we’d ALL give birth through our ass. And no more Men from Mars & Women from Venus, everyone would be from Uranus.

@copymama

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

@lafpgh

Showed my husband all the super-awesome Twitter lists I’m on. He put me on a list called People I Probably Shouldn’t Have Married.

@markydoodoo

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*