Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
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Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.