My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
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Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
He’s dead
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”