@EndhooS

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

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@simoncholland

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

@T_Bonezzz

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

@BradBroaddus

My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.

@Tmoney68

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

@dugglebutt

*speed dating*

Her: What do you do for a living

Me: I’m a truck driver

Her: …oh…

Me: A food truck driver

Her: here’s my number

@o__0Dev

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

@CoolHegel

“This is so wrong,” I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut

@DebTLawrence

If you see me running down the road crying, it’s because I hate running.

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day 4

3am: Monkey House, National Zoo

A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.

Ben Stiller escapes into the night.