@EndhooS

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

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@TylerLinkin

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

@hmmmmmnope

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

@mom_tho

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

@envydatropic

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

@missekay

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

@heatherlou_

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

@Shelts99

You had me at ‘I’ve had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend’