I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
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If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Her: What do you do for a living
Me: I’m a truck driver
Me: A food truck driver
Her: here’s my number
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
“This is so wrong,” I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
*robs craft store with hot glue gun*
If you see me running down the road crying, it’s because I hate running.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.
Ben Stiller escapes into the night.