asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
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birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Son: What’s for dinner?
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
The entire history of the universe could be seen as a slow growth, expansion and coalescence of consciousness, were it not for Sarah Palin.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.