“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
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[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.