Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
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Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.