If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
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It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
stand with me against insufficient seating