After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
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Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
What’s a Messi?
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
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