Left my car for maybe 15 minutes in front of the dorms and I come back to this. College man

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My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord


6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?


Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.


Kept my wedding dress to wear on first dates so I can see how committed these men really are.


*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*


i feel disrespected by the shift in candy size naming from “king size” to “sharing size”. i don’t share candy. im the king