@jabbins

Left my car for maybe 15 minutes in front of the dorms and I come back to this. College man

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@longwall26

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

@DadInUtah

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

@Dawn_M_

Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.

@eveinflow

Kept my wedding dress to wear on first dates so I can see how committed these men really are.

@geowizzacist

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

@lil_mermaid

i feel disrespected by the shift in candy size naming from “king size” to “sharing size”. i don’t share candy. im the king