My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
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6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Kept my wedding dress to wear on first dates so I can see how committed these men really are.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
i feel disrespected by the shift in candy size naming from “king size” to “sharing size”. i don’t share candy. im the king