Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
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Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I’M CRYINGGG
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.