Left the door unlocked and didn’t get murdered again.

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I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”


A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.


I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?


My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.


I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.


*shows up to a knife fight with a bunch of cakes and settles everything*


I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.


I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?


Daughter: Daddy, why do you have to go to work everyday?
Me: Do you like clothes?
Daughter: Not really
Me: Shut up