Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
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My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else