@MissHavisham: Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
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@AlmightyBored: Me to my 18yo, who doesn't like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period? Her: Justice.
@truegritrumble: ME: I'd like to register my kid for school. SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that's a goat. ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
@genehunter1: After the delicious brownies have all been consumed following my funeral, a video of me will inform everyone that they just ate my ashes.
@XplodingUnicorn: *stands on scale at doctor's office* *takes off coat* *empties pockets* *shaves eyebrows*