@MissHavisham

Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.

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@nthonyswan

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

@WilliamRodgers

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

@isabelzawtun

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

@ArfMeasures

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

@bridger_w

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

@TweetPotato314

me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month

therapist: how does that make you feel

me: pretty tired I walk a lot

@joeljeffrey

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

@VisionBored1

I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse

@pilau

Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill

Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now

Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king