@GrantTanaka

Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

@SortaBad

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

@SirAustinOfDunn

My girlfriend is currently crying because she thought the $70 she wanted to spend on “adopting” a koala bear from the Australian brush fires was actually going to physically get her a koala bear. Like they would just Fedex that shit to us, and not just her become a sponsor.

@rcromwell4

My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.

@TheTweetOfGod

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

@Darlainky

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

@thatUPSdude

I’m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.

@sonictyrant

Friend: a Viking burial would be awesome some day

[A few days later]

Me:*fires a flaming arrow into his kayak while he’s white water rafting*

@heyevergreen

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.