Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”

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I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.


*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”


My girlfriend is currently crying because she thought the $70 she wanted to spend on “adopting” a koala bear from the Australian brush fires was actually going to physically get her a koala bear. Like they would just Fedex that shit to us, and not just her become a sponsor.


My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.


If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.


I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.


I’m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.


Friend: a Viking burial would be awesome some day

[A few days later]

Me:*fires a flaming arrow into his kayak while he’s white water rafting*


Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.