Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
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People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Room with a view.