Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

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Her: what’s your favorite thing about our date tonight?

Me: that it’s almost over


If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.


[on a planet teeming with life, covered in beautiful landscapes, limitless drinking water, breathable air]

*whiney voice* “it’s windy”


If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”


I’ll bet Vampire Kiddies enjoy scabs as much as human Kids love pudding skin


[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5


*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*


KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.


my nephew is 13 and starting to ask girls on dates. so he asked my brother what was the best way to ask a girl on a date and he told him to find something they were both interested in and ask if she wanted to do it.
so my nephew asked the girl if she liked chicken nuggets.