Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
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Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.