I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
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In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I missed you with all my darts
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I’m literally crying