If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
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I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Tier 3 meme