LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
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dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Never be a pizza!
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.