@meganamram

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

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@Snarfernini

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

@icrushedmyhalo

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

@mejustbeth

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

@BlindChow

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

@elizaskinner

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

@withanewname

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”

“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”

“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”

Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

@UncleDuke1969

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

@ayyyyloser

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

@dorsalstream

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet