LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
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my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
when u come home smelling like another dog
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.