Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
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Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
I hope this email finds you in a well
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos