[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
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Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
#JohnTravolta
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*