@Mikecanrant

Legally, if a woman is wearing hoop earrings that are as big as the side of her face, you are allowed to hurl a basketball at her head.

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@krisv_723

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

@allforandrea

It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.

@Julian_Deane

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

@sarcasticmommy4

*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert

@MaraWritesStuff

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

@WilliamAder

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

@minnie_in_pink7

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

@natsantonia

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

@jedfudally

childrens alphabet books are the only thing keeping us from forgetting what a xylophone is