being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
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Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Aaaa…CHOO!
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.