Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Legally, if a woman is wearing hoop earrings that are as big as the side of her face, you are allowed to hurl a basketball at her head.
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It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*
Marriage level: Expert
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
childrens alphabet books are the only thing keeping us from forgetting what a xylophone is
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks