We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@NickBossRoss: Legally, you don't actually have to ever stop screaming.
@Hormonella: Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
@maebemarbles: I'd like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
@MartinUrbano: When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it's polite to act surprised
@Shock_Monster: Hostess: Table for one?
Me: More like TABLE FOR FUN, AMIRITE?
Me: Yes, one please.
@LeBearGirdle: Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client's mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn't floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don't floss