Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
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Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…