Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
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Bitcoin. Toothurt.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!