Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
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Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors