Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

You Might Also Like


Professor: “Did you just show up drunk to my exam?”

No way

“Hungover then?”


“There’s a lime wedge on your face”


Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.


New law restricts lobbyists to the lobby. Citizen victory! Writing laws a bit less convenient! The lobby lobby, however, has won the day.


The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.


[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me


ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about


BEN AFFLECK: I’m directing a new movie and I was thinking about you for the lead role
BEN AFFLECK: Well I’m obviously very flattered


Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss


shame on Kellyanne Conway for attempting to politicize the Bowling Green massacre, in which I was killed