@Sickayduh
Professor: “Did you just show up drunk to my exam?”
No way
“Hungover then?”
Nope
“There’s a lime wedge on your face”
@El_nacho_Nigre
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
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@Sickayduh
@Pork_Chop_Hair
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
@AGreaterMonster
New law restricts lobbyists to the lobby. Citizen victory! Writing laws a bit less convenient! The lobby lobby, however, has won the day.
@PrettyInCamo11
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
@pilau
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
@wolfpupy
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
@ElleOhHell
BEN AFFLECK: I’m directing a new movie and I was thinking about you for the lead role
BEN AFFLECK: Well I’m obviously very flattered
@BraandoCommando
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
@LeBearGirdle
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
@PAPPADEMAS
shame on Kellyanne Conway for attempting to politicize the Bowling Green massacre, in which I was killed