Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
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sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.