Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
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I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Yup….perfect score!
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I remember when things only cost an arm.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits