Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
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GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
getting old is fun
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars