The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
You Might Also Like
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*