@thombodytolove

lego batman: i hate the rain

me: why

lego batman: the puddles

me: what’s wrong with puddles

lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire

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@winosaurusmom

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

@iamspacegirl

My son loves lizard facts but he can’t quite say ‘lizard’ so he randomly makes statements like “Wizards protect themselves with camouflage”.

@kevinseccia

The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…

@rolldiggity

1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
2. Whisper, “Oh no, not again…”
3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.

@ohpeetie

Cop: “Can you describe the person who robbed you?”

Me: “He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee”

@MsSweetTeaz

Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day

@mousefountain

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.

@karanlyons

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

@amydillon

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?