I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
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Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!