@thombodytolove

lego batman: i hate the rain

me: why

lego batman: the puddles

me: what’s wrong with puddles

lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire

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@TextyRuxpin

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

@illiter8too

Me: Choose a mate who loves & respects their mom, but isn’t overly dependent on her.
Lady: These are 4th graders-
Me: THEY NEED TO KNOW THIS

@dog_feelings

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

@hereholddeez

SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE

@SCbchbum

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!