lego batman: i hate the rain

me: why

lego batman: the puddles

me: what’s wrong with puddles

lego batman: [tearing up] they look just like my parents after the fire

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After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.


My son loves lizard facts but he can’t quite say ‘lizard’ so he randomly makes statements like “Wizards protect themselves with camouflage”.


The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…


1. Sit in stall of a crowded bathroom.
2. Whisper, “Oh no, not again…”
3. Slowly pour a large bucket of milk onto the floor.


Cop: “Can you describe the person who robbed you?”

Me: “He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee”


Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day


It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.


ME: Oh.


ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?