Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
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1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”