*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
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From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
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Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you