@AndrewNadeau0

LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.

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@shadygrenade

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

@BlindChow

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

@Skoog

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

@TwinSurvivalist

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

@illTortuga

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

@WilliamRodgers

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

@PickleRudd

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

@Truculent67

Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you