@TheAndrewNadeau

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

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@abbycohenwl

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

@SCbchbum

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

@captainkalvis

friend: so, things are going well?

Girlfriend: he’s so sweet

[she looks out the window to see me reaching down to pluck a flower]

Girlfriend: but sometimes I just-

[she looks back to see me, eating the flower I just pulled and inspecting another]

@Gooooats

According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.

@Contwixt

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

@ThisOneSayz

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

@WilliamAder

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

@YoungNobler

I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.

@HomeWithPeanut

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.