Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
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Two things all artists have:
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
friend: so, things are going well?
Girlfriend: he’s so sweet
[she looks out the window to see me reaching down to pluck a flower]
Girlfriend: but sometimes I just-
[she looks back to see me, eating the flower I just pulled and inspecting another]
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.