Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
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Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense