Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
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My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter